Look, you broke up with him because your relationship had some problems, and because of trust issues, and his inability to commit to you. Any male after the onset of puberty can make a baby. evanscr05 It isnt pertinent to the discussion. Oh I definitely agree, a laid back scenario is no more absurd, it really depends on how people take what he is saying. Hes scum, no one in their right mind is going to want to stay with him. But I think shes tried to trap him and hes untrappable.. I dont think its necessarily fair. While I stand by my statements about this woman being a total idiot, etc., and the fact that I dont think anyone was calling him scum for having sex with someone after he broke up with his girlfriend, I will say that I agree with the idea that its unfair for guys that they have no say in keeping or aborting but will be on the hook for child support even if they wanted the mother to have an abortion. I dont understand the level of anger sparked by this man not wanting to be physically involved in this childs life. I didnt see that it made sense for him to send a check for MY child when he never had even met her. and the man has the option to take extra precaution and choose to wear a condom. I got angry because it's something he should have told me. He begged me not to go, but I left anyway because I didnt think things would change and I wanted him to see what life was like without me in hopes hed run after me. Believe it or not, but a bedpartner with a scintillating personality is not a prerequisite for the male orgasm: its possible to have and enjoy sex with somebody who you nevertheless regard as entirely obnoxious and devoid of LTR potential. When we got back together we had a lot of trust issues and found it hard to forgive one another. For sure, the guy can't worry about the other gent. Who knew? I dont think you are right to try to make him stay with her. I know you two were on a break but I hope you made him get swabbed for STDs. That isnt the case. I always thought that had to be a mutual decision. John Rohan You have a lot of personal issues to deal with, little boy. Wether he likes it or not, shes keeping the baby. He said while I was away he tried to get over me with someone else and now shes pregnant with his son. I dont think he is a bad person for telling a woman within the first trimester of a pregnancy that he barely knew and presumably made no false impressions to that he did not want a child and had no intention of being a part of that childs life. But I guess I looked at it a lot like a woman adopting a baby alone would. The female of the species carry the offspring. I get owning up to your responsibilities in an unwanted pregnancy, but you cant really think that is going through every non-idiot males mind when he gets ready to have sex. He cant be irresponsible and fail to take every reasonable effort to avoid pregnancy (doubling up on BC and using condoms, getting a vasectomy, or only having sex with women he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt also do not want to bring children into the world), and then act surprised and angry when it happens anyways. How does your law see that both get what they want? Also, at least here in this state, its not in any way an easy thing to get out of paying, and I think its relatively difficult to avoid paying child support unless youre essentially a transient or if the woman doesnt make much of an effort to get support. Men get a say in abortions? No. Am I being selfish if I tell him not to go to the doctors appts and be in the labor room? You brought up the issue of trust and wanting to build trust. Yes, it takes 2 to tango but she is the one carrying the child and an abortion isnt just an easy thing to do. Furthermore, men should be held at least halfway responsible for the resulting pregnancy and child but should have no authority to decide upon his involvement, even though consensual sex involves both people equally. The research on on-again/off-again couplesthose that break up and get back together multiple timesindicates that some of the most common reasons for getting back together with an ex include . It's painful to witness when you're still in love with a person, but one of the most common reasons why a person would jump into a new relationship right after a breakup is to mask the pain of it all. April 10, 2012, 9:40 pm. Iwannatalktosampson If it's been a relatively short amount of time (it's all relative, but I like to say three months or less), since the breakup/last time he/she spoke with you Oh, and of course, hes also called a dick, and ass, and other choice names. Your boyfriend is 40 effing years old. Those are very different things. 3. its up to you wether to stay his friend or not. Its not a secret that it works that way in our society. But I would not for one reason other than the fact that trusting him again would be difficult to do (and that would IMHO b. Coke didnt have to do anything wrong. April 10, 2012, 5:55 pm, Heterophobe, hmmm, thats new one. I dont know why this posted as a reply to Honeybeenicki I tried to post it separately. I dont know what to think or believe. Please do better. Posted on June 29, 2022 in gabriela rose reagan. He explained that they were always arguing, and that they actually broke up when he first talked to me. Because, since you cannot prevent pregnancy and you cannot prevent sexual transmission of disease, I see no other way to look at it. )boyfriend who got the woman pregnant. He sounds a bit flakey. April 9, 2012, 12:52 pm. Is it fair to a kid to be born into a world where his dad abandons him? datechguy For all the reasons stated in the comments, women just cannot be forced into motherhood quite like a man can be forced into fatherhood. Im surprised that you guys dont recognize Chuck. I know you have to keep the possibility in the back of your mind, but youve really been ready and willing for motherhood every time youve decided to sleep with someone? Not to mention raising the baby, which women are way way WAAAYYY more likely to do alone than men. Im not a woman hater happily married for 15 years, and I love my mother, my sister and even my mother-in-law. Im arguing that he should be able to get out of the responsibility in the same way that a woman can get out of that responsibility. This is so hard for me. . Or, she may have seemed supportive during the relationship, but . Ever since U.S. Because you sound about 17. April 10, 2012, 7:35 pm. In most cases a child has been brought into the world consensually, and so both parents should be obligated to support that child. He does nothing about the situation and when I try to talk about it, we never resolve the issue; he just says Im right but does nothing about it because she continues to do it. lets_be_honest April 9, 2012, 12:53 pm, He might very well be an immature asshole. The carpenter asks his brother to impregnate his wife via IVF using the carpenters sperm. They should act responsibly. He says he loves me, doesn't want to lose me, and wants to marry me. April 9, 2012, 7:25 pm, I agree. That makes her a scumbag, but it really doesnt absolve you of being the parent for that child. Women have two- before sex, and after they find out theyre pregnant. According to pro-choice rhetoric, this man has NOTHING to do with the existence of the child. She will be lucky to have 50% of the day care costs alone paid for*. Their choice, honey. Especially since, had he been the woman and felt the same way, he would have quietly aborted the child without inviting half the scorn hes received here. Being on the Pill is akin to saying that youre not interested in having children, so I think its not completely invalid for him to assume she wasnt ready to have children, and to be angry when he ends up being forced into fatherhood.. They were broken up so he had no obligation to the LW. April 10, 2012, 5:53 pm, Women have figured that game out, and it sucks. Your welcome. Its not fair to create a child and then abandon it. Weird question. He could have been one of those unforunate souls that DID protect himself, even with the womans added protection, and it still resulted in a child. April 9, 2012, 7:33 pm. The plain truth is your boyfriend did not think about the consequences of unprotected sex (STDs anyone?) it comes across really condescending and I think it makes people take your reasoning less seriously. Why isnt it fair of him to be angry? One common definition: a troll is someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community, with the primary intent of provoking readers into an emotional response. Its Gone Downhill. Cold, but I suppose not unheard of. You seem too whiny for most womens taste. But if you are uninterested in a relationship with him because of his newfound drama then walk away sister. Its not a gender-based law. Now hes going to have to deal with it, even if he wants nothing to do with the childhis wallet will. April 10, 2012, 10:20 pm. Okay, Tim. Its just biological fact- unfair probably, but not something we can change. haha I agree. He doesnt want anything to do with her? He could be imaginary. That way you and only YOU get to decide which woman you deign to procreate with. it happens. April 10, 2012, 9:34 am. You wouldnt need to administer it. To clarify, I am NOT living with HIV. Dont get me wrong, the child should be taken care of and taken responsibility for but it can never be the reason why you do or dont stay together that decision should be based purely on the possibility for a good relationship between you grown ups. And it's the best thing that ever happened to me. 1. Made my day! Thats the way it has to be. lets_be_honest I dont know how you can defend it. April 10, 2012, 11:43 am. Steve- The law doesnt say theres no child at conception. Thats what youre always nattering about. There is no 100 percent way to prevent pregnancy. April 9, 2012, 1:28 pm. My mother taught me better than that. Why, my God, you could have hit a chid running out in the street. I have been trying to have a rational conversation with people unfamiliar with reason. They look at it as their child, no matter who the mother is. Im also a longtime lurker who was a little taken aback by all the vitriol aimed at this mans head. In the state I live in, you can leave a baby (or even child I think) in a church or hospital if you do not want the child and you will not get in any trouble for it. Im so glad SOMEONE pointed that out. April 10, 2012, 7:09 pm. Unless youve been there, you dont know. ele4phant April 11, 2012, 2:00 am, John Rohan Im not questioning the reality of the situation Im questioning the inherent fairness of the law today. Whatever the case, youre not adding to the discussion. kerrycontrary April 10, 2012, 8:46 am, he does not have the option to opt out entirely. It is actually quite easy. For the love of all things holy are you deliberately obtuse or truly lacking in basic comprehension? Fuck yes, he shouldnt have a choice in that. It has nothing to do with the man. And as far as I can tell, it happens an awful lot. Can I just say that would bother me a lot. landygirl She didnt sneak up in the dark of the night and steal his seed and turkey baste herself, Chuck. Deadly, sure, but not highly infectious. It only says he asked her to. On a side note: If the adoption had not occured and she went after him for support, he could contest it by stating that it would be detrimental to the child as he has no fatherly relationship with the child and introducing such a relationship so many years later would be harmful. Solved. Increasingly, more and more, these letters just simply disgust me. We were together for 2 1/2 years, lived together, got a dog together, talked about mar. Oh, good lord. .of F****** Idiots. THERE IS NO CHILD AT CONCEPTION. No, but both partners have to accept the fact that having sex means that pregnancy might occur. I have nothing against casual sex or sex without a relationship, but you should still have some sort of base level of respect for the people you are banging. I dont think a relationship with the other woman will work but at the same time Id run from a man who wants nothing to do with their own child. In this situation, there would be no contest of custody or support. Its not right Im sure I wouldnt. And the internet is this perfect little anonymous bubble for people to shoot off their anger. Again, this implies that a pregnancy must lead irrevocably to a child. By having sex you are saying that the woman might get pregnant and you are willing to deal with it if that is the case. February 1, 2014, 11:38 am. However, if a woman has sex with a man, she can make all the choices and decisions, force palimony, and essentially treat that man as their financial slave for the next 18 years. Some said he deserved the label because he exposed the LW to STDs. If the father is ready to accept 100% responsibility for his actions and keep the child, but the woman, not ready for motherhood, wants to abort the child and move on, what do we call this woman? reader, Maaeexo+, writes (11 November 2010): A Problem. The fact that you are even considering getting back with this guy right now blows my mind. Fix Your Communication Problem. You go to a window and pick one out and take it home with you. I dont think hed be right to be furious in many possible scenarios that would still fit what was said in this letter, but there are ones that would which I think would cause justifiable fury. Having the foresight to step out early doesnt make him an asshole. But cest la vie. I was just 6 months into a relationship when I got pregnant. Is it Dear Wendy gender wars with the emotional females leaping to conclusions and bullying the open minded fair males who dare to object to name-calling and double standards? As a child who was raised by my mother and saw neither hair nor hide of my biological father, who diligently paid child support, Ive turned out for the better. But by that same logic, you must be prepared to call a woman who doesnt want to be a mom a scumbag for getting an abortion (in the instances the guy wants to keep it but that woman doesnt). Turns out it wasnt even his kid (thats another story), but she showed up at his work, called him repeatedly in the middle of the night, and physically assaulted his friends girlfriend in a parking lot. Meaning, a woman SHOULD ask the guy who knocked her up what he would like. He knows how to make a baby, and he knows how to avoid making a baby. Does that change the situation as all? However, a man should have no such option and should be forced to pay (literally and figuratively) for having sex. Wow, that was a super bitchy thing to say. As well, the LW has no right to call this other woman names, purely because it was the LWs (ex? I agree with you, as well. You don't say how long you have been together, but there's a reason that you broke up with him then. The point is that no one cares about your guesswork, sunshine. Because one of the known outcomes is happening to him and hes pissed at someone else. And I tend to agree that with certain situations, men end up with the raw end of the deal. You are the one who is keeping this rollercoaster of a relationship going with him. Malarky. This is not unlike telling women that they cannot have an abortion in that it forces parenthood when it neednt be forced. MOA, ASAP. He made his feelings clear to her when she was only two weeks pregnant, telling her they havent been together two minutes! You experience a myriad of emotions, and sometimes, you feel guilty or even blame yourself for why the relationship ended.This is all the more reason why it feels like a big fat kick in the teeth to discover that your ex is an overlapper: s(he'd . I think that gives you a little time to get on her good side and work on those shortcomings. feelingroovy I love him so I'm willing to accept the baby. i completely agree, it is both parties responsibilities to make sure they are preventing pregnancy AND stds. And if this woman buys that line, shes a moron too. Hes an idiot either way. Have an abortion or Ill be furious = Have fries with that or Ill be furious > Psycho. lets_be_honest Anyway, he ended the relationship with her and surprise, shes knocked up. In order to build trust, the person must be trustworthy. 8. And yet men still keep having sex with us. If that means not being with your boyfriend for the next 9 months to a year, then so be it (I dont think youll die without him). We have been able to shield the kids from this at this point. And without condoms?! Barely nine months after we said our final goodbye, he was the father of a baby boy. React. Please help. This guy, you can most definitely live without. We have the means to resolve pregnancy issues. Only the fools. When they were last together, he cheated on her many times and got another girl pregnant. Its not right Im sure I wouldnt.! He was able to find someone else to keep him company. It amazes me how people can say things like That whore slept with my boyfriend! and keep a straight face. It just pays. Its probably best hes not in the kids life anyway. If a guy *does not* want to be a father, he shouldnt be having sex with women unless he knows, for sure, they have a similar attitude when it comes unintended pregnancy.. And finally , yes, I do think he should have some right to what happens to that pregnancy, and yes I do think that trapping someone by getting pregnant is repulsive, and so yes, I can understand his anger at the woman if that is what is happening. Even SCOTUS pointed that out. lets_be_honest Before getting back together with your ex, maybe you should consider strongly whether or not you want to be with the kind of person whos angry that someone didnt abort in order to alleviate HIM of responsibility. But not usually. female And it wont be you for very long. I weep for the younger folks out there. Chuck Pelto You are talking as if a decision to terminate a pregnancy is as easy as taking out the garbage, as if there are no consequences to it whatsoever. A woman who is raped is stuck with the agonizing choice of getting an abortion, or carrying a child to term. So, you go back to where you started, and then he hits you with another bombshell. Lets wait to have sex until we have a bigger place. He has to fit the baby into their life, not the other way around. Just sayin. he said this is not gonna ruin us, ReginaRey I think both sexes can own that one (although your estimate of what % of children born today are born to single patents is inaccurate). Yet when it came to her most recent boyfriend, John . It's like she's a completely different person. Hes signing up for sex, not fatherhood, and it is an egregious breach of the implied sexual contract for the woman to turn around and say, Whups, knocked up! Maybe she doesnt want the baby at all, but it seems the least unappealing choice to her in this scenario. =), lets_be_honest You deserve that label for attacking a woman that you dont even know, for trying to blame her for sperm-jacking your loser boyfriend and for suggesting that she is trying to trap him. And the man? The pill doesnt stop ovulation in all women. Always follow your gut and your instincts. However, its your choice whether or not to get back together with him. he gets another girl pregnant while you are on a break, your fault. These two ideas cannot be simultaneously true. That being said, the LW didnt say whether he was tested so we dont know for sure. April 9, 2012, 10:29 am. April 10, 2012, 6:52 pm. Life is unfair. But the woman needs to be prepared to accept his involvement as strictly financial. reader, bright.beautifulK90+, writes (24 November 2010): A A guy does have every right to tell her look, Im not ready to do this. We judge people all the time where our judgment has absolutely no effect on the outcome, we arent participants in the issue and no one gives a crap what we think. While I grant you that the lack of control for men once a pregnancy occurs is, in a sense, unfair, I think there is unfairness on both sides of the issue. my boyfriend & i have been together for over 2 years (2y 5m to be exact) & i found out i was pregnant about a month ago & at the time i must've been maybe about 2-3 weeks pregnant. April 10, 2012, 7:31 pm. No interest in fatherhood? As for you LW, Im not even sure exactly what youre asking. Commenters on most websites just depress me I dont bother reading them anymore. Oh I completely agree! Its not exactly the same by any means, but similar enough for me to have thought it. Hed be out the door on you as well. And now I couldnt imagine life without my husband, but Im pretty sure Id live through it (and have) if he werent around. So again I think you are making it seem like he treated her like a human being, and talked about this rationally, but really, he was pissed at her for having his baby, threw some money at her, and told her to never come back again. Its that theyre more likely to be honest about not wearing them when something bad results. having sex with someone you dont know that well. Nice way to generalize. He told me he will obviously be paying for it but wants nothing to do with her OR the baby. Its not a complex procedure. I want to get angry but I don't know if it's considered cheating. Cut your losses and get the hell out. This woman might very well be lying. I just dont see any part of the circumstance that allows a 40 year old man who was having consensual sex to take the other issues out on his own child by refusing to have anything to do with it. Male rape victims notwithstanding, men control where their sperm goes. Its very clear that you care a great deal about the quality of your childs life and emotional well-being. If youre going to be all bent out of shape if the stranger youre sleeping with has your baby then Id ask for a hand job instead. Sometimes the contribution of a father who doesnt want to be a father is far worse than the lack of father. April 9, 2012, 11:23 am. Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean and LIKE Terrance Dean on Facebook, clickHERE! If it is his child, he owes the child at least something. Malarky. He's got to focus on his ex and tell himself she wants to be with him and not the other man in the long run. Yes, he had unprotected sex. Thats certainly the type of person you want as your husband. Everyone I know, including myself, that is not ready to have a child uses a condom or doubles up on protection, or makes sure that the pill is taken on damn regular basis. . Totally personal question, but have you ever been in the position where you had to choose whether or not to have an abortion? The letter implies that the only protection used was the birth control. iseeshiny We broke up for 8 hours 2 months in and he met another girl within those 8 hours. Seriously, there are as many babies in my class as there are classmates. He wasnt in a relationship with the LW at that time, and had no expectation that they would get back together. At least, as a woman, you have that option. Steve Kellmeyer I have a really hard time believing that this guy who hates this woman and wants nothing to do with this child had a civil conversation with the baby mom discussing their options, while stating his preference for an abortion. That was almost two years ago, and we never saw each other, spoke, or texted again. April 9, 2012, 11:54 am. Why do you want to be with such a douchenozzle? They probably hang out for a few weeks more, she kind of gets on his nerves for whatever reason and starts to bug the shit out of him. I dont care. 1. Been there Like being pregnant isnt massively uncomfortable. LW- your boyfriend is scum. Nothing about that makes him a bad person. So, to be clear, every woman who has had an abortion is, in your mind, an immature asshole. I can agree with you that the decision about which medical proceedure she under goes after that point is totally hers., Is it any wonder that 40% of the kids born today are bastards?. This was even more of a scandal in a small town in the 70s than it would have been today, but she decided to keep the baby. More like: her: what do you want to do about it? If you dont want to potentially end up with a kid with a woman you cant stand, dont have sex with her. Child support, such as it is, is frequently used as stealth spousal support. If a woman has sex with a man she should be prepared for the fact that it could result in her under going a medical proceedure, be it an abortion or childbirth. I think the overwhelming majority of adoptive parents are good, caring, nurturing parents. If they dont want to be taken, then they should think before they poke. Hes not a victim, unless she raped him. And finally we see what youre doing ranting about paternity laws and mens rights on a relationship advice site. As much as men have some inherent advantages, women do as well, and one of them is the ability to, once pregnant, get support for 20+ years from someone they might have just met. Thank God for the laws in place protecting children against men like you. You should be furious with him and dump his ass! That is pretty much it. If you have any self respect, dump the sob. I think theyre unfair in the same way that I feel its unfair to prevent women from having abortions, but thatss beside the point. You are indiscriminate in your partner choice and/or birth control? Where do stand on the fact that when a pregnancy occurs its only the woman who has to go through either an abortion or childbirth and the man never does either? You want some advice? reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): A Im a guy, and I think that the BF is a loser scum bag. Bossip Comment Policy One does not need to hate women to find inherent unfairness in current laws. Im really astounded that you would say something so flippant like women can get support for 20+ years, as if its nothing! If you dont want a kid with a stranger then PULL OUT!!! Also, there are so many single parents who have adopted. And as so many others have said dontt want a kid? T he mystery of Tom's sudden baby endured until several years ago when I looked him up on Facebook. I often feel bad for the LWs who get called names and judged super harshly on this site and sometimes feel the need to defend them when they just seem lost and in need of some advice. If it were me, Id stay FAR away from someone as seemingly immature and callous as your exand Id get myself to therapy to deal with my OWN immaturity and callousness. Im just trying to clarify the parameters here. I think this guy is a jerk not because he had sex with someone else when he was single, but because he is taking no responsibility for a life he created. I havent, and even though I am 110% pro-choice, Im not sure if its something I could actually do. ele4phant Like labor isnt extremely painful. He willingly engaged in sex (apparently without a condom) with a woman he knew for two minutes. And the LW is making it seem as if her poor bf did nothing. Im not exactly sure that the one million people currently estimated to be living in the U.S. would agree with you, but I am fairly certain the 500,000 dead definitely wouldnt. While I am pro-choice, I would never have an abortion. You are in a relationship where you are the one responsible for everything. By that logic, virtually every dude on the planet is an idiot. Definitely do a paternity test to be sure but if he follows through with not being a part of the childs life, hes a scumbag. Going through a breakup can be tough.It can leave you feeling restless and struggling to fill the white space left behind by the relationship. If he doesnt own up to his part in creating a child, sorry, I think hes a jerk. I dont think I have ever seen so many thumbs up on one post And it deserves them! The thought of a child waiting for him at home makes going away so much easier. I know it is hard since you love this guy to see how reprehensible he is. In my experience, both men and women tend to blame their romantic competitor for everything, no matter where the fault lies (have you ever seen the Jerry Springer show?). That support is not hers. sorry lbh this actually doesnt have anything to do with your comment, i agree with you. Your are putting words into peoples mouths. But to me, it sounds like youre misdirecting your anger. April 9, 2012, 2:54 pm. if she has a miscarriage because he's back with you, your fault. That isnt misogyny. Steve Kellmeyer Youve never used malarky in any prior comment, so I just dont believe you. And the children are either damned or murdered. You are arguing for NO abortion in cases of rape.. Cookie Notice I cant tell you how many children have grown up thinking something was wrong with THEM because they had a parent who didnt want them.

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