I wanted to comment on the everyone I talked to agrees with me stance hes taken. I highly doubt these people genuinely agree with him, but are more likely playing the supportive friend role. I really dont like the taste of alcohol. He doesnt have to be consciously choosing thesetheyre already out there. You have three options in how to proceed: (1) You could say no to the trip (a week off can be just impossible to coordinate these days! It is a diverse and lively neighborhood with fantastic food choices and interesting shops. BUT, I dont actually think thats the most likely explanation for his issues. Maybe his friends dont work either and are supported by their wives. Living with someone like this for the rest of your life sounds like a real misery. I took a look at the menu for Gordon Ramsays burger place and almost stroked out. What to Expect supports Group Black and its mission to increase greater diversity in media voices and media ownership. Bookings are open for June, July, and August family vacations in 2023, with per person prices starting at $3,699. Most people just went to Banana Republic and then did some karaoke. Yes, they pay for his airfare and, if necessary, the difference in the hotel room rate and they dont spend that much time together, but they spend *some* time together and are at least getting to see each other for some part of the day.). He made her upset the entire trip last time. This. I know its easier to say Leave him! to someone else than it is to actually leave your spouse but please know that leaving him over this would not be an overreaction. Ill throw this out too just in case. So, OP, if you take nothing else away from this comment chain, hopefully you at least get some calibration to your is-it-weird-o-meter. Companies have meetings there because the hotels are set up for them, and its incredibly easy. Fine with me. I hope he can get help and is able to recognize this about himself, since you say hes a great husband otherwise. (Not the same thing, but my wife had continuing education there and brought me. Ugh. Not necessarily. He even did it the one time I was staying *in a convent*. You travel with the rest of the managers in your company, and I would assume many of them have spouses (and presumably most are able to handle behaving like a responsible adult). But a counselor can assess it and go from there. Id say the chances are > 50% that this guy never asked anyone anything. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationguinness irish stew slow cooker. I like backpacking/camping and my husband does not (at least, not for extended periods of time). Certainly do not risk your career by bailing on this completely reasonable work trip. His friends also wouldnt let their wives go? My cousins wife asks permission for everything and it makes me side-eye that entire side of my family. Theres a weird dichotomy with that place. Of course, this is all conjecture. He mad at my company and questions the motives. Actually if you go off the Strip theres quite a few things to see and do around Vegas (also non-gambler here), desert hikes, assorted museums (notably neon art & the mob), and my personal favorite the Pinball Hall of Fame which has 100+ playable pinball machines (old and new). If possible, Id suggest both individual and joint counseling. It got dark on my (2-hour!) I actually took my husband with me once and he went off on his own while I worked all day. My mom is the same way. Its just as likely that hes just jealous and controlling, like every other sap who clamps down on his partners autonomy. same. Its just boring to us because we arent into flashy lights and gambling. I was going to say this, the touristy areas and especially the casinos are crawling with security and cameras. We dont know enough about how the spouse acts in other scenarios to draw larger conclusions. I agree with the counseling suggestion. Charleston. Also theres a debate up thread about if prostitution is legal in Vegas (seems to be no, but it is legal nearby). AP, this is just a wonderful post. Maybe so, but I know plenty of people who, as JenB says above, have anxiety and dont express it in toxic and gendered ways that were really talking about two problems. People in my family are prone to anxiety disorders manifesting themselves in this way (including me, yay! So I get the safety concern. Its so odd that he seems so fixated on Vegas (which can be perfectly harmless, I went there many times as a small child and turned out just fine). OMG! The memo was a few years old, and it had been issues shortly before an Uber retreat If Im not mistaken it was in Miami definitely in Florida. Either he socializes with very retrograde people, or hes snowing you when he tells you that hes enjoying full-throated unquestioning support of his attempt to stifle your career. One of my best friends took his family (2 very young children) to Vegas, and they had a great time. it says they WOULD even let their significant others go, not wouldnt! I lived in that neighborhood for five years, and was perfectly safe. If this resonates with you, OP, about your husbands behavior, something important to know is that there is no appeasing this line of thinking. 6. If this is more an inexperience thing, it still needs to stop but I think it is less worrying than control/abuse issues. And people are all I wouldnt let my wife go we have done bigger problems here. I think youre right, but I think just as often people jump to an abuse/controlling scenario when it involves a relationship. I would imagine thats what happens in Vegas for a great many solo work travelers. A friend of mine was sort of that guy! Omg that sounds so much like my mom. Not that it makes it ok, at all. I trust that the letter writer would be able to better identify whether or not thats the case here, and trust shell be able to address it appropriately with a skilled counselor. I think its time to tell him something like: I need you to respect my ability to make my own decisions. You have a good day and thank you. Couldnt she spend the weekend elsewhere? And myhusband answered, Ididnt want tobring her, but she insisted.Ibooked aticket and went home onthe next plane out. This was not such a culture. ? and his friends being like yeah man, Vegas is a scummy place for scummy people. I think thats reasonable. pathfinder: wrath of the righteous ending slides. It totally IS. It might not end up factoring into your decision when your career and marriage are in the firing line, but its probably useful information for you to have. From the OPs subsequent posts, it sounds like they did agree with the husband, and that shes in an area where thats a more common approach. And the entertainment options are essentially endless. This reminds me of when I studied abroad in London and my mom warned me about people like Jack the Ripper. He is the one with the heavy lifting, though. The same counselors that would demand that the woman submit would also tell the husband to man up and provide for his wife. I suppose OP knows her own husband best, theres a chance inviting him along would be an offer of Good Faith to show that theres really nothing all that bad about Sin City. Fiance also didnt want me to go to an industry event because admission was closed to non-members; he couldnt just drop by to say hello, and how would he know if I was okay? Again, not a concern for either of us. Me doing anything outside of our normal routine puts an additional child care burden on her, and vice versa. Of course, it also relates to what the right wing media say, and its super-hard to tackle. Same. Ill take bizarrely leading questions for 600, Alex. Just that it could be either one. Your feigned hysteria of all caps and multiple exclamation points comes across like a rude caricature of people you disagree with. A month? Sorry not sorry. I just want to comment in support of you and your husband. I think the conversation is worth having. One of the most important things I learned in therapy is that even though my feelings are real, they are not reasonable and not helpful, so its not appropriate to expect others to change their behavior to accommodate them. There are few things worse than insisting that your partner go to therapy, and then having them misrepresent the situation and use therapy to validate themselves. The best way to stay up-to-date would be to regularly check the Official Disney Parks Blog . OP, we can all surmise the reasons for his behavior as much as we want to, but this sounds like something you and your husband should work out together in counseling (or separately in counseling, if that appeals more to him.) I resent our new hires for setting better work-life boundaries than our company normally has, hairy legs at work, my office sent me a random TV, and more, heres an example of a great cover letter with before and after versions, my employee cant handle even mildly negative feedback, my new coworker is putting fake mistakes in my work so she can tell our boss Im bad at my job, insensitive Diversity Day, how to fire someone who refuses to talk to us, and more, weekend open thread February 25-26, 2023, assistant became abusive when she wasnt invited to a meeting, my coworkers dont check on people who are out sick, and more. My grandmother pays for the trip. The way I see it, OP, assuming youre not a serial cheater who constantly engages in risky behaviors when your spouse is not standing over you, your husband is either really insecure about your marriage, or really anxious in general. o_o, As an Iowa alum, I can personally vouch that Ive seen more drunken debauchery in Iowa City than I have on the Vegas Strip. OP, go on the trip. I think the phrasing is awkward, but its in there because he brought this up to his spouse to justify his position, so Im pretty sure he means they all agreed that theyd object to such a trip too. And absolutely do not let his anxiety limit your life. (That started as a joke but I think I might actually be onto something, re: familiar vs unfamiliar crimes and the perceived danger of each.). There are broadly different American subcultures because there are just so many people. Probably he is a reasonable person, perhaps he has an anxiety problem. They are readily available and heavily marketeda sudden whim or fancy could be a reality very quickly. But Id want OP to figure out a little more what this behavior of his is really about, and make sure its not his way of trying to control her / torpedo her career, before Id recommend she let him supervise her work trip. Oh, good, dont have to worry about Massive Problem A oh hey, Medium Problem B, lets obsessively think about that for ages!. I bet youll have fun. Two birds one stone! She and I have spoken about it, in part because I travel without my husband a lot, including to family stuff. Its tough but definitely not impossible. The touristy gloss. Id seriously question the value of marriage counseling at this point, unless hes willing to fundamentally change his views of his power over another adult. But a positive first encounter with a therapist can change that, because, you know, therapists are trained to defuse and help unpack their misconceptions. We walk through various casinos and gawk. If all else fails OP can blame in on an alien abduction. I understand where youre coming from, but even if this is exclusively his issue, joint therapy sessions can help each partner understand the others perspective. Thats kind of hilarious because my ex was super upset the first time I went to Utah (current spouses family lives there), because he thought Id let our daughter be kidnapped by polygamists. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. Dont give him information that he will then twist (anxiety twists everything) and dont waste your time or your energy you need that for other things. If his problem is that his marriage doesnt look the way a marriage is supposed to look (and lets get real here we absolutely do NOT have enough information to be as sure as you are) then a good marriage counselor can help him to readjust his notions. My boyfriend used to freak out every time I had to travel for work. So thats what Ive been doing wrong all these years! (except those gun dangers present everywhere in the US.). Weve been a few times on holiday and love it the shopping, the food we dont even bother with the gambling. But theres no letting about it. rarely cede ground. Nope. Alison doesnt usually change letter writers words, so I think itll probably stand as is. One doesnt just spontaneously undo decades of enculturation, on either side, and women are taught that we are *supposed* to accept emotional baggage AND that it is OUR JOB to do the emotional labor of fixing other peoples negative emotional states. He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. FWIW, my husband went on a business trip to Vegas last year when I was pregnant and feeling like crap. I have informed him and he hasnt taken it very well. If youre happier and more successful without him, and what he brings to the table isnt enough anymore, its okay to opt out. source: awkward . Please select a reason for escalating this post to the WTE moderators: Connect with our community members by starting a discussion. My husband and I travel a lot for work- including to Vegas! People have stranger danger drilled into their heads, but woman are far more likely to be hurt/assaulted/murdered by a domestic partner or acquaintance. It could be, but its tougher to stay up all night gambling and partying in the middle of the week in NY or SF. If you miss out on a promotion or are the first let go in the layoffs because you refused to go to this conference, you will look back on this with regret. I love New Orleans! OP, how long do you think you can tolerate his behavior? My own partner has no issue with me going out of state for geek conventions a couple times a year, with people Ive known longer than him, sometimes sharing mixed-gender rooms. You should go to counseling, alone and together if hell go with you, because I cant tell if hes super anxious, or just super controlling. Its hard enough to be a single lady without constantly watching single ladies being attacked!! Like Winter says . I think whatever LV *was* once, its not anymore. It can be; it can also be a culture that has different views on whats important in a relationship. That was plenty for me, for the social experience.). He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. as a manager, should I not wear a childless shirt in my off-hours? Should I take him into account? And that now his family isdisappointed inme. Contributors control their own work and . My husband got sent there on a business trip as well. The next obvious thing is, we all get to be as irrational as we want. But if all your life experiences back it up, its not until youre faced with a new point of view (i.e., your wife goes on a business trip) that any of these beliefs even come to the surface. Thats exactly what Im doing right now too and it will be so much better when I dont have to justify the work trip to my husband and I dont have to pander to his unfounded insecurities. The extent of our excitement is shopping at the outlets, maybe visiting Hershey and watching movies in our PJs. Vegas isnt a magical dimension. Think of it this way if you give in on this to avoid conflict, what will be next? If I were married and my husband told me that he honestly thought so little of me that he assumed I would cheat on him because I was going to Vegas for a business conference, I would be heartbroken. He thinks it's going to be too difficult. They live there with partners and children, even! How does he handle that? The Sin City stuff is absolutely the product of creating a specific image through decades of marketing, not necessarily a real reflection of what its like. If the boundaries within a family are so entangled (by normative American standards), it really is an asset to the couple when their partner has the skills to navigate those extended relationships. We did a family vacation to Vegas about six years ago (were about a 4-5 hour drive away). Right on the top!! The place smells like cigarette smoke. Not because marriage counseling is likely to stop the abuse you are right, it wont. I hope some of it is helpful to you in some way. LOL! None which should be affecting your ability to do your job. Yep, this was one of my thoughts this might be a seriously overactive anxiety problem at work. (Also worth mentioning: The ways weve developed the concept of masculinity in the US mean that many guys express anxious feelings as anger, so look out for that too.) There was a recent one with the same problem! The Rio does have huge rooms! You know, because men never get kidnapped or roofied. LW, my husband would be honestly fine with me going to Vegas. New Message From: MayaSubject: Iwent home after overhearing myhusband and his mom saying they didnt want metobeapart ofthe family vacation.Every year, myhusband goes onafamily vacation. You (both individually and as a family) need your income. For work. Companies dont plan things in Vegas to put their employees at risk. There are opportunities everywhere for illicit behavior, even at home. But we had conversations where we discussed what I was doing to stay safe, and we had agreed upon methods of checking in (calling / texting at certain reasonable times, for example). Of course, Im only going by what was in the letter. At first I was shocked, but that was only due to the misconceptions about that place. Its OK to not be 100% available to handle his feelings 100% of the time! If something written is thought to mean the opposite of what it says that is not reading, it is MISreading. I probably filled up that Jacuzzi tub in the bathroom with $100 worth of water during my stay. This doesnt excuse the behavior either way, but I think could be something to specifically discuss with him in addition to the other suggestions people have here. Sometimes there is no choice due to your family circumstances or mutual agreement, but this is not one of them. And its going to be a problem in your relationship whether you go on the trip or not. One of my favorite business trips was a 3-day solo trip to Vegas. Gift of fear is fine for some things, but lacking in partnership issues advice and perspective. My husband doesn't want to go because of the 14 hour car ride. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationcomo llegar a los alpes franceses husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. But I am going to totally disagree with you that its not a relationship problem. Yes, its off the strip, but my room was GIGANTIC. Yeah, this. Hes already proven himself to be irrational, I think his presence will not help LW even a little. It is NOT his choice whether you go! Since its also a town that does very well at marketing itself as a destination for conferences (their facilities and amenities are really good, and I imagine their pricing is great because of demand is high enough to keep them low) then it makes sense that your work is choosing it as a place to send the managers since it sounds like an out of town conference is generally a thing they need to do. Does he realize people, like, live in Las Vegas and have perfectly normal lives? There is an incredible amount of stuff to do and fun to be had in Vegas without doing a single sinful thing, even if you WERE there for just a vacation and not a work trip. A room like that in any other city would cost 3 or 4 times that. I guess it's doable, but I wouldn't do it. Sure, that could be the problem. -OPs husband, probably. He needs to manage his insecurities and not force them all on you and your career. No amount of marriage counseling will fix controlling. (In 1989 there was 24-hour keno in practically every restaurant.). But if not, why would you stay with this. We had screaming matches over girls night out or any activity that might throw me in the path of men. Props to you for doing the hard work of managing this problem. Businesses plan conferences in Las Vegas because the rooms are dirt cheap, not because theyre planning some sort of raucous party. Might need to go back. Feel free to point out where I did that. I only think bad things with Vegas and wonder why its chosen for a business thing (LW never said conference, so I wonder if it was chosen for the fun too). I wonder if one solution wouldnt just be to bring her husband WITH her (on her own expense and probably paying for their own room)? Business trips for him are salt in a wound, Im guessing. She has thus far missed out on several family gatherings and her best friends wedding, because her husband could not get off time to go. It doesnt mean you dont love him, and it doesnt mean either of you are bad people. Ive actually been there and I agree its overplayed and that corporate concerns are more about flights and conference rooms but its weird to act like youve never heard this stereotype. If your husband has never traveled for business, and hasnt traveled much in his personal life, and his friends have similar life experiences, then its no wonder that hes created this scenario where all that happens in Vegas is affairs and crimes. All rights reserved. My only regret about that trip was that it was so last-minute I couldnt get a ticket for my boyfriend, who has never been to Vegas and would have also enjoyed wandering through the hotels and playing a few slots for the free drinks. In the places where its legal, its still only legal at licensed brothelsof which there are 24 in the entire state. Fortunately, he wouldnt even ask because, (1) jeez, who needs survey results to help you navigate your marriage? If youre the breadwinner, you obviously have to go on the trip. He could show he loves you by treating you as an equal and making you know that your feelings, thoughts, and opinions matter. Im also someone that really tries to give the benefit of the doubt though. But leave out the reasons, the excuses, the justifications and the emotions, as far as you can. That was one reason I had to STOP watching so much Law N Order / Criminal Minds / CSI / whatever. Speak to him about how he feels if you were to invite people over. Hmm Shes probably going to cheat on me in Vegas because thats what people do in VegasWait I cant say that, of course shes going to deny ithmm, what else can I say to convince her to stay Kidnapping! I also suggest that he seeks out personal therapy. If you ever felt something was wrong you can tell a bartender, a waiter, a cop, that you need some help. Im a bit flabbergasted. Ive encouraged him to take trips on his own without me, especially when Im on travel. Theres concern, and then theres overreacting. A person who wants to cheat will cheat even if the business trip is in Dayton, OH, or they will cheat even in their hometown. Hahahaha! For heavent sake dont say it to him; dont want to give him any ideas. Him: Something something shes just got cold feet about the upcoming wedding. The update is saying the opposite of what you think it does. He would be excited, even. But the husband is the asshole how dare he worry about his wife, Absolutely get counseling. Im not controlling or irrational, Im protecting my marriage!, An outsider can actually say Husband, this behaviour isnt normal or good for your relationship. That is the problem. If the question was my husband is forbidding it because of emergency X then we still have the same issue. I went for the first time over the summer. I agree that the OP should not even consider not going on the trip. Its bizarre to talk about letting another adult do anythingtalk about patronizing. So all the brothel skits on Reno 911 were a lie? Itll be a cold day in Hell before my husband allows/gives me permission to do anything. The timelines even fit perfectly. He also accused her of sleeping with her boss constantly. While I was away, he made me upset the whole time with his anxiety of what-ifs and what-nots. Theyre out there. Whether he is abusive, controlling, insecure, or driven by unmanageable anxiety we dont know. Bonus was that the skills I learned translate to my professional and personal life *every day*. He got anxious when I went to San Diego only because it was near the Mexican border, but gee whiz. Plan some quiet time or independent activities if you're getting frustrated. It doesnt take the anxiety away, but it seemed to dull some of the crazier bits. Especially if as I suspect he doesnt have a position or isnt in a field where corporate retreats and meetings are a thing. Yeah you can get into some crazy stuff there for sure, but lots of people bring their small children to Vegas for vacation too (which bugs me somewhat but hey whatever). Its not you I dont trust, its other people.. The second I walked in the front door I thought this is exactly the type of place where the murder of the week happens in almost every episode. The reality of the place is really NBD. I have horrible anxiety. Its not about what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, its about Vegas has made themselves a very strong event destination, and that includes for regular businesses.. I only want to know if hes going to be out so that Im not expecting him and can therefore do something else. Havent read the comments to see if this is talked about yet, but I feel like religion has a play here I can see uber conservative religions having more problems with this situation than anything else. Im going to Vegas and thats the end of discussion. First, thank you so much for sharing your insight. When your income is needed, you can take fewer risks by opting out of stuff at work. I just assumed hes lying about even asking anyone.

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